A Letter to My 16 Year Old Self

Dear Ange Babe,

I know it’s been a long time since we have talked and I know you have tried hard to make yourself known over the years. But honestly facing the things you went through is tough. I am sorry I found it easier to close the door on you the past 30 plus years, instead of trying to invite you in, to at least let you know we are ok.

We actually made it through life even though the odds were against us. We are 47 years now and life is pretty good. I will tell you about that later.

But first I want to say a few things. I am sorry that at 16 ½ you thought you were grown enough to handle moving (running) out of state in less than 48 hours because bad things would have happened if you didn’t. I am sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell anyone and you were playing an adult when you were probably a terrified kid. I mean how could you not be? You are 16 ½ and someone asks you to meet them at the coffee shop to tell you that if you don’t leave asap you will be “Collected”.

Looking back I want to yell at you to ask you WTF were you thinking? WTF didn’t you ask for help? Talk to someone or get some help! You were not even 17 years old and this is something that most people will NEVER face in their lives…seriously NEVER!!

Today we are 47 years old and we have never met anyone that went through this same situation. At 16 ½ you were still a child and at 47 this is still something that would not be handled alone.

Of course you weren’t completely alone but your secret was kept. I know it hurt that nobody questioned why you were leaving the state so fast and that nobody was concerned. But remember we didn’t allow a whole lot of concern come our way because we acted too strong for that.

Today I give you so much credit for my strength because you are literally my courage, my willpower and my fight within me.

I am sorry that I haven’t kept you by my side over the years. We are doing really good with a few hiccups along the way.

We have an amazing kid who is about to be 18, yeah 18 and we have provided him a great life. He has watched us go though some battles but he is stronger because of it. We have an amazing husband and live near the beach and really have a great life even through the ups and downs.

I am here to let you know you and your son are super close and the anxiety we have been feeling lately probably has a lot do with our own fears. He is about to be 18 and you guys talk all the time and are very close. He is not us at this age. He doesn’t have to do this alone.

In the car this morning while we were crying we started to remember the feeling of separation. Please know our separation from our relationships and family at 16 ½ are NOT even close to the same as our son. Because this is not a separation. This is just the next milestone of life and we get to do it together even though it’s changing a bit.

I feel there is so much more to write but for now I want to invite you into this life to walk by my side. I absolutely need you!! Because sometimes I need to be reminded what a strong ass person I am and what I am capable of doing. How the fuck can I let fear get in the way when we did the things we did?

I know we will make a great team!! Because I may not wear the Doc Martens anymore or drive the Bronco but I am still that girl but need the reminder more often and that is where you come in.

I promise to work through the shit we have together in order to make us whole again. You are the reason I am a Badass and I need you by my side!! I know you need me too and I won’t close the door on you anymore even when I have to face some hard times. I will walk you through the fear and show you how it got us where we are today.

Fuck, writing that last sentence gets me right in the feels. Where we are today…girl you are the reason I am here today!! Don’t forget that!!

I know we still have a lot of catching up to do but I think this is a great start!

Love you,

Angela